“The people we are in relationships with are always a mirror, reflecting our own beliefs, and simultaneously we are mirrors, reflecting their beliefs… one of the most powerful tools for growth…” Shakti Gawain
Mirroring relationships refer to the deep connections that we have with people who are closest to us. They are the relationships that can be both good or bad, yet they will always have something in common. Mirroring relationships reflect ourselves on a deeper level. Whether they be some of our best and/or worst qualities – they are the most intense. Why? They all possess the opportunity for us to learn something… about ourselves. Should these lessons not be learnt, we will find that the same similar mirroring relationships will keep cropping up in our lives time and time again.
For example… have you ever been head over heels in love? Have you ever cared for someone so much that you’ve been willing to give up anything and everything just to be with them? Even friends and family may have told you that it was a mistake but it made you more determinedto be with that person and make it work. You invested all of your time, energy, love and even money but things just refused to unfold in the way you hoped. What else could you possibly have done that you didn’t already?! Why didn’t this person give you the love and affection that you craved from them?
Why do you continue to be taken advantage of and treated badly? What’s wrong with you? A perpetual train of negative thoughts and feelings course through you. Your confidence and self-esteem plummet to rock bottom and you’re left without a shred of pride or dignity intact.
Stuck In a Vicious Cycle
We have all experienced rejection at some point in our lives – but what do we do when it happens over and over? Do we give up and resolve to spend the rest of our lives alone and miserable? Or do we continue to run the risk of getting hurt, allowing our hearts to be exposed once more?
I have heard it mentioned that the relationships we draw into our lives are mere reflections of our inner selves. In other words, we attract towards us the attributes and personalities of individuals that we deep down desire, but lack in ourselves. Is that true? Well…. opposites do attract I suppose so could this be the reason?
Unfortunately, I cannot conclusively answer that, although what I can do is glean some logic from it. Having been through some abusive and painful relationships myself, I can honestly say I have explored this concept thoroughly.
Go Back To Basics
There is plenty of advice out there on how to achieve the ‘perfect relationship’ and attract our soul mates etc. What a lot of these love experts overlook are the steps required to take a closer look at ourselves and establish the following;
- What are our expectations and hidden desires?
- Which emotional voids do we feel we possess internally and how can these be fulfilled?
- What are our deepest fears?
- Which underlying insecurities and/ or emotional scars prompt us to subconsciously follow the same patterns and fall into similar traps that we have already encountered several times prior?
Emotional Healing Leads To Enormous Breakthroughs;
Although it may sound corny, I have done a lot of soul searching in the past three years to get to know myself better. It is this that has helped me to answer the questions above. My journey has involved a period of isolation and not getting involved with anyone romantically. I was self-reliant and spent time focusing on me.
I still have a lot of work to do to heal myself from past experiences. The steps I summarize below have been paramount in me overcoming emotional and mental blocks that had been built up in me since childhood – without even being aware.
- Using the questions above as a guide, ask yourself what you want and expect from a relationship. Make a list of factors that are important to you and prioritize them. Compare this list to your current/previous relationship/s – how similar or dissimilar are they? Think about your own behaviour in the relationship and what type of role you played or still do. Now compare all three of these aspects. You will begin to see a pattern emerging. This process is designed to help you clarify a few things. You will see the correlation between what you crave internally and how this influences you to behave as a result. This will therefore help you understand why you end up attracting or being attracted to the same type of partners.
- Your next task is to write down all your insecurities and fears. Be honest with yourself and ask;
– Do I have respect for myself?
– How much appreciation I show myself?
– Am I able to love me and believe that I deserve to be adored, loved, and respected just as I am?
Crystal Clear Clarity
This is an opportunity for you to establish the internal barriers you currently face and why. Again, compare these answers to the current state of your relationships. Think about the power these insecurities have – ultimately dictating your choice of love affairs and causing you to have a blinkered vision. You will find that these deep rooted fears and insecurities have manifested themselves in some form or other. Whether it be through your partners’ treatment towards you, or alternatively your own actions and behaviour towards your partner/s.
- The next step is to accept the conclusions you come to (even though they may shock you). Take action to try and reinforce this acceptance. Small steps such as looking in the mirror and acknowledging all the good things about you (tell that inner critic to be quiet!). Practice telling yourself in the mirror ‘I love you’ and ‘You look nice today’. It may feel silly at first and you will probably experience some emotional resistance when initially saying such things but trust me… it helps and does get easier.
- A very effective tool to use is called Emotional Freedom Technique/s (aka EFT). It comes in many forms but the one I recommend involves tapping your central pressure points. These include the sides of your hands, top of your head, temples, on, around and the sides of your eyes, above and below your mouth, neck and chest and below your armpits , (where bra straps would go). For more information on this magical technique please read one of my other articles by pressing here.
What is fantastic about EFT is that it can be applied to any daily problem or scenario, not just ongoing emotional/mental blocks. I have even used it to calm nerves when preparing for an exam or job interview! 🙂
The Importance of Self-Reflection
If you are currently single then do not fear – use this to your advantage and spend time with you. After all, the relationship you have with yourself is more significant and priceless than any other! Only once you fully love and accept yourself can you begin to heal emotionally.
Once acceptance and healing has taken place you will then be in a position to make room for all the love there is out there. The right love will then naturally present itself in your life.
If, on the other hand you are in a relationship where you feel unhappy and there are recurring issues, then take a step back. Get into the habit of putting yourself first for once! I do not mean break up with your partner, but kindly explain you just need some ‘you time’ – if they truly care for you they will understand and not pressure you.
Either way, it is important that you begin to address the emotional voids and residual scars that you possess by adopting some of the techniques mentioned. As hard as it may be, obtain more independence by doing things you enjoy and without your partner. Minimize the level of emotional dependency and attachment you have being with them. You may be pleasantly surprised to find that it rejuvenates your relationship. It may even help them to realise just how irreplaceable and precious you are (which is a fact!). Only once you accept this yourself will you be able to reclaim your self worth, sift out the good from the bad, and embrace true love.
Should you have any stories of your own regarding mirroring relationships or require more advice on this subject please feel free to contact me via firstname.lastname@example.org Alternatively by leaving a comment below.
Lots of love & light